ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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