just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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