i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
