turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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