i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
