i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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