I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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