I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
