haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
