Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
