24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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