When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
