I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
