At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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