The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
