So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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