dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
