you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
