Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
