everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
