I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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