i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
