your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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