Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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