she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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