he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
