I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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