"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
