I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
