You just made me feel so damn special
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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