Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize