I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
