No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
