just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
