Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
