I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
