apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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