there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
