Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
