the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
