you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
