Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
