Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
