I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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