I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
