dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
