My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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