i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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