is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Vodka?
Forever.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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