Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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