my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it's like heaven, but drunker
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
