I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
