Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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