At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
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