you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
