In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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