is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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