Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
