Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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