If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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