yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
